World

Nostradamus predicts the rise of Donald Trump

A recent discovery in the texts of Nostradamus has suggested that he may have predicted Donald Trump. A translated quatrain, the poetic way in which Nostradamus revealed his prophecies may refer to the newly elected former reality TV star and billionaire. The quatrain is as follows: In the second millennium a star will rise His…

First Dolphin in Space by 2020

A global consortium has announced that they plan on sending the first dolphin into space within the next 7 years. Orcinus Aerospace is drawing up plans for a next generation spaceship that will be able to carry a dolphin into outer space, orbit the earth, and land safely back in the ocean. “This will be…

New Pope may be voted in via Social Media

Following the recent announcement of the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI due to health reasons, the Catholic Church is said to be exploring options for voting in a new Pope. “We are suggesting that the new Pope be voted in using Facebook,” explained Jason Summers from the Catholic Youth Leaders Strategic Alliance. “A recent survey…

Fiscal Cliff around 138 feet tall say Analysts

An American company that specialises in economic landforms is suggesting that the fiscal cliff is around 42 metres (or about 138 feet) tall. “We have used sophisticated techniques to calculate the height of the US fiscal cliff, and are confident of the 138 feet measurement,” said George Newman of Financial Escarpment Metrics. “Standing on or…

Queen receives unusual jubilee gift from Mohamed Al-Fayed

Businessman and billionaire Mohamed Al-Fayed has given the British Monarch a rare but unusual gift in celebration of her 60-year reign. At a dinner to commemorate the upcoming Diamond Jubilee, Al-Fayed personally presented Queen Elizabeth with an autographed replica of the world’s largest cubic zirconia. The curious gift was offered in a small rectangular wooden…

Inventor of “Clamshell Packaging” found dead

Richard Sachet, the inventor of the notoriously difficult to open “Clamshell Packaging” has been found dead in his Beverly Hills mansion. The modern packaging, which is designed to be tamper-proof and shoplift-proof, has driven millions of consumers crazy due to its difficulty in opening. Medical practitioners have reported that thousands of people are admitted to…

Brits finally give wealthy a “fair go”

The British government has released their latest budget, which has been hailed by many as “a ruddy good thing.” Finance Minister George Osborne announced that the top rate of tax would be reduced from 50 per cent to 45 per cent. “This is a ruddy good thing for all Brits,” said Lord Applemort in an…

Bob Kony calls for “no more death threats”

The #Kony2012 social media campaign has ended up with some unexpected casualties, despite good intentions. Bob Kony, who is running for Mayor of the American town of Boise, Idaho is calling for calm as his office continues to receive multiple death threats. “I guess God would say it was just a bad coincidence that I…

Kim Jong-pil pays tribute to Kim Jong-il

The news that Kim Jong-il has died is still echoing across the world as media outlets describe the year 2011 as “Annus Horribilis for dictators”. Long time critic of Kim Jong-il and purported “nemesis”, Kim Jong-pil today said that he “is saddened by the loss of Kim Jong-il” and wishes his family “all the best…

Angry US Retailers No Longer Selling AAA Batteries

Due to the recent downgrading of America’s credit rating from AAA to AA+, some retailers are protesting by no longer stocking AAA batteries. Amber Lane from the American Retail Sales Conglomerate stated “we are very angry about being downgraded and are encouraging all retailers to stop selling AAA batteries.” “In the same way that we…