The modern packaging, which is designed to be tamper-proof and shoplift-proof, has driven millions of consumers crazy due to its difficulty in opening.

Clamshell Packaging - the number one cause of "Wrap Rage"

Medical practitioners have reported that thousands of people are admitted to hospital each year with lacerations due to the packaging’s sharp edges and hard plastic.

The packaging is also the number one cause of the psychological condition known as “wrap rage”, which causes many consumers to destroy the item they have purchased as a result of high levels of frustration.

Police said Mr Sachet appeared to have “suffered multiple cut and stab wounds from scissors, razor blades and box cutters”.

Sergeant Les Ryan from the LAPD reported from the scene that there were “no suspicious circumstances surrounding Mr Sachet’s death” and that no further investigation would be necessary.

“Earthquakes don’t happen often in Canberra, and this one really rocked the capital. We surely should have a public holiday to celebrate, especially since it was conveniently on a Friday,” said Jenna Blake from the Canberra Holiday Trust Group in an exclusive interview with The Canberra News Digestive.

“We lobbied hard for Melbourne Cup to be a holiday, and subsequently the Family and Community Day. Is anyone going to argue that Canberra does not need another holiday?”

Canberra Earthquake Commemorative T-Shirts available now

Social media outlet Twitter formed the epicentre of public speculation that an earthquake had happened at around 5am on Friday 20 April 2012.

Most commentators suggested the earthquake felt like a freight train or a 1970 Holden Torana GTR XU1 driving past.

Former Prime Minister Bob Hawke allegedly tweeted “Any senior executive that sacks a public servant for not going to work today is a bum!”

The Canberra Earthquake measured 3.7 on the Richter scale, and an 8.7 on the Elation scale.

The Anti-Anti-Canberra United Front set fire to DVDs of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, LA Confidential, and the Neighbours 1986-89 Commemorative Box Set at a rally outside Pearce shops.

“We are outraged by the comments from Guy Pearce. Canberra is a lovely place to live and we actually like all the roundabouts thank you,” said Jean Maxwell of the AACUF.

“I am actually now ashamed to say I live in the suburb of Pearce, which I don’t think was named after anyone related to Guy Pearce, but it sadly now reminds me of the bloke.”

Guy Pearce during his last visit to Canberra

British born Guy Pearce made the headlines recently after he made comments about Canberra on the USA talk show Craig Ferguson. He subsequently posted a letter in the Canberra Times suggesting that he even though he was “a dickhead”, he actually is quite a nice Guy.

Bob and Bono often confer on solving the world's problems using other people's money

The former lead singer of The Boomtown Rats recently said on his blog that he is “sick and tired of people saying I am a one hit wonder”.

“I guess people have forgotten about Band Aid, Live Aid, and the parts when I mimed those songs in Pink Floyd’s The Wall, ” he added.

Geldof shot to fame when ‘Mondays’ hit number one on the UK charts and stayed there for an incredible four weeks.

“For those wondering about whether my next song will be a sequel to ‘Mondays’, all I am going to say is that it will be focussing around a particular day of the week, but not that one.”

Bob Geldof, along with his best friend Bono from U2, have often been the target of jokes due to the high profile work they do for charities and self-promotion.

Fellow celebrity Russell Brand once said about Geldof, “Really it’s no surprise he’s such an expert on famine. He has after all been dining out on ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ for 30 years”.

Geldof has not yet revealed a release date for his second single.

In his rejection of the monorail being of value to Canberra, ACT Light Rail chair Damien Haas said that the monorail carriages are like ‘sitting in a row of old Kombi vans’.

“This is extremely offensive to Kombi owners everywhere,” said Heinrich Mann from the Canberra Kombi Club.

“Sure, there are some similarities. The German consortium Von Roll Habegger built the Sydney Monorail, so they share a similar heritage, and thus we expect the same level of engineering precision and reliability.”

The Canberra Kombi Club executive plan their next steps

“However, Mr Haas seems to infer negative connotations with his comments. I would suggest that Mr Haas has never sat in a Kombi, otherwise he would not make the comparison. The Kombi is a very comfortable automobile for sitting, and some of them even have beds.”

Despite monorails being portrayed as complete folly in an early episode of The Simpsons, local governments and councils across Australia are scrambling for a chance to buy the deprecated monorail.

Finance Minister George Osborne announced that the top rate of tax would be reduced from 50 per cent to 45 per cent.

“This is a ruddy good thing for all Brits,” said Lord Applemort in an exclusive interview with The Canberra News Digestive.

Lord Applemort celebrates with friends after Osborne budget announcement

“My family has been in the top tax bracket since taxes were invented. As a matter of fact The Duke of Lancaster paid something like five hundred times the amount of tax paid by a common peasant. That was in the 14th Century. Poor old Henry. Loved a good speckled fowl he did.”

Osborne has outlined his plan to make the money back in other ways by increasing the tax on luxuries such as caviar, helicopter fuel, and feminine hygiene products.

“I have fallen in love with my new iPad,” said Andrew Carlssin in an exclusive interview with The Canberra News Digestive.

“Why should I be discriminated against, just because my love interest is different to yours? Have you seen the new retina display?” asked Mr Carlssin.

“I am not asking to marry my iPad, I am too old fashioned for that. Instead, I just want a recognised civil union ceremony with some of my closest family and friends. My new iPad will travel with me through all of time.”

Andrew Carlssin and his new iPad love

Carlssin has enlisted constitutional lawyer Connor Brent to assist him in his unusual quest.

“The ACT’s Civil Partnerships Act is not specific about whether humans can marry electronic devices,” said Mr Brent.

“I think Mr Carlssin has a relatively strong case, and I intend to pursue this for as long as it may take.”

The highly anticipated new iPad with slightly better features became available in Australia late last week.

The dogs, which have been specially trained in Germany, are genetically bred to have extra sharp hearing and eyesight.

“These canines are not your regular backyard variety of pet,” said Heinrich Schmitt from Zornig Hunde, the company that bred and trained the dogs.

“These Dobermans are a super breed. They are also highly trained and work in groups of three, with one of the dogs being the lead dog who commands the other two.”

Eins, Zwei and Drei posing outside the new ASIO building

“The collars are Wi-Fi and Bluetooth enabled, and also incorporate a CCTV camera which is transmitted via secure encryption back to base. The collars also release a fragrance at precise intervals that the dogs enjoy which keeps them motivated and focused,” said Schmitt.

“We have custom built carbon fibre kennels for the dogs which are sound proof, so the dogs will not be disturbed during their designated rest periods, or during the Canberra fireworks season.”

The dogs will be on display at the public open day next month at the new ASIO building.

The self confessed bad boy of the airwaves wants people to see that he has many layers, not all of which are self centered and repulsive.

Kyle Sandilands, hungry for the truth

“Most people either hate him, or find him completely objectionable. That is not the Kyle I know. He is that and much more.”

Users of the popular social media website Twitter were quick to jump on the story where funnyman Wil Anderson led the charge. The hashtag #NameKylesBook became an instant Twitter sensation.

Some of the suggested titles for Sandiland’s book on Twitter were “I, Cvntivs”, “Belittle Women” and “The Origin of the Faeces”.

However, Sandilands is believed to have engaged with marketing company Nonaforte to come up with the title for his new book. The same company that rose to fame after coming up with the stunning title for the John Howard autobiography, Lazarus Rising.

“Once he has the title, he is going to work backwards from there. You are about to see a part of Kyle that you may never have wanted to see, warts and all,” said Mr Paris.

“People already know about the many highs, but it’s the subsequent lows that may shock and disturb. Like the time he got a really bad headache in the Big Brother house and needed immediate self medication.”

The autobiography, to be entirely written by a ghost writer, is expected to be out sometime in the future.

Bob Kony, who is running for Mayor of the American town of Boise, Idaho is calling for calm as his office continues to receive multiple death threats.

“I guess God would say it was just a bad coincidence that I called my campaign for mayor Kony 2012,” said Republican Bob Kony.

Bob Kony - I'm not the guy you're looking for

Joseph Kony became an internet sensation after a documentary was released highlighting his alleged exploitation of children as soldiers for his Lord’s Resistance Army.

Mr Kony said he plans on renaming his campaign from “Kony 2012” to something less confrontational.

Reporter and activist Jess Hawker suggested that those wishing to help in the struggle against Joseph Kony should “write a letter to their local politician, retweet any anti-Kony tweets, or post something on their Facebook wall.”